" Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face."
Truvy- Steel Magnolias
Next month I will turn 39. I know I am not an old lady and I know 39 is still relatively young, but lately I have been feeling really old, and after taking this picture two weeks ago, I keep looking and looking at it, thinking I look really old. I almost didn't want to believe that it was me. I was like, "Who the heck is that middle aged chick? " I am almost 40 pounds overweight, my skin is looking rough and even my hair (not brushed) is looking on the dry side. Women always age faster than men and the last thing I want is to look like my boyfriends mom. Lucky for me, he is 10 years older than I am so I have some time to get myself in check here. I don't want to look like his mom and I don't want to look like a doña- like the ladies in the mercado that are way overweight, with no makeup and so frumpy no one even gives them a second glance. I have let myself "go" a little too far here.
That's why I normally hate taking pictures. Unlike a few of my girls, who look absolutely gorgeous in very shot, I usually look pretty horrid.
In person though I think I looked pretty good. I was blessed with a few good things. I have good hair- though I don't style or color it anymore. I am very simple that way and most of the time look really greñuda, but the hair is good, I have a ton of it and it's very shiny and pretty healthy when I actually brush it out. I also have or had good skin, even with the problem areas around my forehead and chin from messing around with the small pimples I would get when I was young. But I never had real acne or bad skin problems (like one of my girls does) and up until now almost no wrinkles.
As for my actual features they are not what you would call pretty. I don't have a pretty face, but I think I have always been good looking or what people call "guapa". My face is longish and when I am not overweight it's kind of horsey, my nose is really big and wide and of course the older I get, the bigger it gets. My mouth sticks out way too much and on top of that I have really big lips (which all my girls also have) and of course the worst part is my teeth. But I learned to live with those since I was young and when I was older I guess it never bothered me enough to get them fixed, by then it was more important to get my girls their braces.
Even with all those faults I was always happy with myself and confident, until now. Confidence is so important in life, without it almost everything you do is harder. I have to get that back.
I want to be the old me, the one who was comfortable in her skin and had confidence enough not to let the haters who always talked crap get to her, because she knew it was not true. I need to find myself again so when I see a picture of me I can say, "Hey, I have 5 kids, and am a grandmother of 4, can you believe it?"